The interesting situation of New Jersey Governor James McGreevey, to which I responded
here, prompted critique from
The Fool, and (in
Anthony Rickey's words) "fits of apoplexy" from
Chris Geidner. Right, then: to the response. (The comment boxes on Chris's posts also contain good discussion.) First, I do give McGreevey credit for taking responsibility for his actions and being so forthright - he wasn't being Clintonian in his statement - but I still had some cyncism about the whole situation, and concluded that while McGreevey may be more at peace now, his "honesty" is probably going to result in a lot of grief for his children, since it's probably going to lead to another divorce. Fool thinks I would put McGreevey in an untenable position:
Why is this problematic? As a fairly devout Catholic, it seems unfair that IL would chastise the Governor for being honest. Which commandment addresses this? Ah, yes, the 9th: Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. I believe that this is the commandment that typically is read to mean “Don’t lie.” . . . So, after years of living a lie, IL faults McGreevey for telling the truth. Moreover, she calls his request for forgiveness “hollow”. Is not a good Catholic supposed to accept his public act of contrition and forgive him, once requested?
Moreover, her position would seem to subject his honesty to his “duty and responsibility toward family.” IL’s analysis would put McGreevey in a wholly untenable position. If he tells the truth, he’s bad because he lacks any “understanding of duty and responsibility toward family.” If he keeps his mouth shut, he continues to live a lie. In essence, IL creates a Catch-22 in which no matter what McGreevey does he must be wrong. That is not fair.
Fool is right that McGreevey is as deserving of forgiveness as anyone else; from those he is asking for it, namely his family members, I hope that they are able to grant it, for his sake and theirs. Forgiveness is a powerful thing. My difficulty with McGreevey comes from the fact that he is not asking for forgiveness and truly seeking to rectify the situation by re-committing to his wife and children, but seeming to ask for their blessing and understanding as he now goes forth to establish his new identity as a "gay American" - or in other words, as he presumably now leaves his family in pursuit of that identity. And here's where the dilemma Fool presents fails for me: I disagree that staying with his family, after having admitted an affair of any type, constitutes "living a lie." I think that Fool thinks "the truth" McGreevey was required to tell is that he is gay, and that "the lie" that would be sustained is being married to a woman
at all. But I disagree in this regard: I think the "do not lie" part is implicated by
having an affair (not diminishing desires for other people, which most married people have to do at some point in time), and telling the truth is
confessing to the affair - then, praying his family will forgive him and continuing to honor his freely assumed responsibility toward his family.* I don't think it constitutes living a lie for a man to have desires for people other than the woman he is married to, but rather it is part of love to suppress those desires through a will to honor the promise and to love the woman he has pledged to honor his whole life.
And that gets to some of my disagreement with Chris, as well. Chris
writes:
I do not at all think his adultery can be written off, however, as the same as a heterosexual man cheating on his heterosexual wife with another heterosexual woman. This is not because gay relationships are somehow different, but rather that the reasons -- as many former spouses of gay people could discuss -- why a closeted gay man cheats on his wife are different. I could not have that discussion with IrishLaw because she feels there is no value to gay relationships and that they -- in and of themselves -- are the problem. . . .
To the extent, however, that Tony [Rickey] agrees with IL that McGreevey should have just (presumably ended the affair and) continued to live a lie in order to make things "easier" on the kids, this represents to me a fundamental difference between our understandings of family. To me, family is about honesty, love, and support. It should not be seen as better for children to be raised by a dishonest father hiding from his true sexual orientation.
I just don't think that the
reasons you cheat on your spouse matter in the end: you still cheated on your spouse. Chris says he's not trying to aver gay relationships are somehow different in this context, but I think this is exactly what he's saying: a man who cheats on his wife with another woman should probably not get a pass, but a man who cheats with a man should (as long as he atones for the sin of adultery). In other words, it's somehow more honest for McGreevey to admit to homosexual inclinations than it is to (say) admit to being in love with another woman, because he "made a promise, yes, but he made a promise that was at odds with his very being -- not just his 'sexual inclinations.'" So if a promise runs up against something you consider to implicate your very being, I guess the promise goes out the window, albeit with appropriate
mea culpas. Chris may say this isn't what he meant precisely, but I wonder if Chris would have made the same impassioned defense if the governor had admitted that he had an affair with a woman, and he apologized but he just couldn't "live a lie" anymore of staying with his wife because he truly believed this other woman was his soulmate, and he struggled with it but it just wouldn't be
honest if he didn't admit to this new love, and isn't it better for his family and his children that he be honest with them so his marital vows aren't sustained on a lie? I doubt it. It seems to me this could be the rationale for any divorce caused by infidelity where the cheating spouse really, truly feels that he or she honestly loves someone else more - but maybe I'm wrong, and Chris would defend that cheating husband's "honesty" as well. In this case at least, though, if McGreevey had been in that position of having an ordinary heterosexual affair, he probably wouldn't have gotten the same support for being "honest"; as it was, he was able to
consult with a "national gay rights organization" to strategically devise the announcement of his newly discovered truth that he was gay, and he was able to count on loud and vocal support of his newly adopted identity. (As Tom Sylvester wonders at
Family Scholars blog, "Would the
Times have credited the gov with 'uncommon grace and dignity' if this were a plain ol' sex, fundraising and dirty politics scandal?")
The reason I do not extend the "gay infidelity is different because the reasons for cheating are different" argument much credence is not that I think gay relationships have zero value (it's true that I don't think that gay sexual relationships are deserving of any particular esteem, but that's distinct from saying same-sex relationships of all kinds have no value - I don't agree with that statement) - it's that I think the reasons for cheating don't matter - it's the same effect on your marriage vows and your family. In this particular case, I'm not even sure that McGreevey's "sexual inclinations" are so clear-cut as he says - he married his first wife, at least, he said, out of love and respect. He didn't find being married to a woman so repulsive and inconceivable that he couldn't do it twice, and have children; and there's a question of whether he would even have come to this momentous realization that he was actually gay (not just possessing of some homosexual desires) if he hadn't been threatened with a lawsuit.
Chris is right: we have fundamental differences on our understanding of marriage and family. For Chris, it's about "honesty, love, and support." For me, it's about commitment, fidelity, and love - but love as a decision, not a transient emotion. Love as an emotion can't be sustained - it naturally ebbs and flows over time. Moreover, temptation always exists. But when you commit to love someone for life, you say that you will love and honor that person through your actions and your will even in those times when the emotion isn't there. That's part of the true essence of love, and makes it stronger over time. When we celebrate someone's "honesty" for admitting that their true emotions, no matter how strongly and genuinely felt, are leading them to break their freely assumed vows,** we are, whether we like it or not, encouraging a more fluid understanding of love and commitment. We are rejecting the sound notion, reasoned out by the ancient philosophers through to the present, that the will can ever rightly direct the emotions. That's a recipe for chaos. Chris's anecdotal evidence may show families are better off if the parents follow their "true" inclinations and get divorced as long as they still support and love their kids; my anecdotal evidence shows families are often wrecked and almost irreparably damaged when parents elevate their own desires over their commitments to their marriages. More than that: all the empirical evidence we've been able to gather from the last forty years of liberal understandings of commitment and easy access to divorce show that to children, it doesn't matter whether their parents left in pursuit of their true selves - it just matters that their parents left. Divorce is often devastating to children, even when parents tell themselves they're doing it because the children would be better off (because the parents wouldn't be unhappy, the parents wouldn't be fighting, the parents wouldn't be "living a lie," etc.). Unfortunately, that's the real lie. Which is why I feel bad for McGreevey's children. But my thoughts will be with the whole family now, and I hope that I'm wrong that the governor's statements will lead to the breaking up of his family.
* Maybe his wife would find it too difficult to forgive him, and choose to end the marriage herself. I can't even pretend to know how difficult a decision like that would be. But in this case, McGreevey foreclosed the option to her of deciding how to respond by not even offering to continue in his vows, but by announcing his new identity that seems pretty clearly at odds with staying married to her.
** I reject absolutely the suggestion, by Chris and Fool, that I "and homophobic persons" (ha - I don't accept the label) are somehow responsible for pressuring or forcing James McGreevey into marrying two women and fathering two children in spite of having some homosexual leanings, which implies McGreevey had no capacity to make his own decisions about how to order his life.