Someone found my site the other day by googling "effects of chastity on family." I don't think I've ever written specifically about that topic, but it got me thinking. The decision to practice abstinence and chastity (which aren't exactly the same thing, but close enough for these purposes) should be individual, in the sense that it is practiced because you believe it to be the right thing to do - but it definitely has implications for family and community as well. So aside from all of the real moral, personal, relational and (for many) religious reasons for choosing to be chaste, I did have some thoughts on how that decision plays out in a wider context.
Being chaste can have an effect on your family whether they are generally supportive of chastity, don't give it much thought, or (following the wider culture) don't necessarily value it at all. In my family, I knew that chastity was valued as part of living our faith, and my parents had the expectation that all of us would hold that value as well. We talked about it openly and any kid (or adult, as we got older) who had questions or challenges regarding sex and chastity in relationships could always talk to our parents or to each other, which helped reinforce our commitments. We also helped encourage each other simply by the example of our actions. I know that if I had ever casually or unapologetically broken my commitment to waiting until marriage, I would not only disappoint my parents, but I would rightly be embarrassed to participate in conversations with my family about the Catholic values we usually affirmed freely, because I would have been acting hypocritically. I would also have let down my younger siblings, who might conclude that no, this really wasn't a realistic value to hold after all. Instead, I took the fact that I might be some sort of role model or example to my siblings very seriously. Assuming you are acting to be chaste because it's something
you value, other people's expectations can still be a pretty good support for you.
In a family that doesn't necessarily value chastity, practicing it may be harder - simply because no one expects you to - but that decision can still have an effect on them. Many people don't believe chastity can be practiced at all, much less over a long period of time in a single relationship, or especially as you get older and/or closer to marriage. A lot of parents think it's completely unrealistic and they communicate that.
Let's get real, they say. Confounding their expectations or even their approval of
not saving sex until marriage, you, by living the value of chastity - not in a showy manner, but matter-of-factly and with resolve - may surprise your parents or cause them or your siblings to think about the matter a little more than they otherwise would have. They may come to respect your decision or they may be indifferent, but they will notice.
I think the same patterns hold with friends and the wider community. Many of my friends are Catholic and I know valued waiting until marriage. Just knowing we held that value in common, my decision to practice chastity in my relationships could have the effect of encouraging their decisions as well, and vice versa. As with my family, I would have been embarrassed to tell any one of my friends if I ever decided to move in with my boyfriend - as common as that is in our culture, no one else may ever have batted an eye, but
I would have it on my conscience as a betrayal of my professed values, and it may have had the effect of eroding their values as well, sort of in a
if she didn't stick to it, maybe it is too hard way. By blogging or speaking about abstinence publicly, I also made myself accountable for my choices here. Had I transgressed against my values and my faith, I would disappoint others and open myself up to charges of hypocrisy. So there is a sort of positive reinforcement that comes with sharing your values with like-minded friends and communities.
Again, on the other hand, anyone who practices chastity is much more likely to be surrounded by friends and communities that don't value it at all, and chastity can have an impact in these situations as well. People do notice. Now, some will deride your decision entirely, and others will dismiss it indifferently. But I also used to know people who would "check in" every now and then, to see that yes, I was still waiting until marriage. Sometimes people are just looking for proof that it's possible at all. As
Dawn Eden can attest, sometimes people haven't ever considered that chastity can be a real option for their own lives, and they're looking for someone who can help them find the courage to be chaste in their relationships. (Dawn's own story is about the way she used to not think abstinence was realistic or desirable at all, but after years of not living a chaste lifestyle, her beliefs changed and she now serves as a strong witness - to the wide audience of both her blog and her book - to the powerful effect becoming chaste has had in her own life.) Practicing abstinence outside of marriage and chastity within relationships thus can have an effect on others even if you never become aware of it and even if - especially if - it's as countercultural as it is today.
Maybe the above is the case with any virtue - by practicing the virtue, you encourage others just by example; by not practicing the virtue, no one may really notice or care, but
some people will notice, you may disappoint yourself and others, and compounding the sin you may contribute in your own small way to devaluing that virtue in society as a whole. ("Scandal" has lost some of its meaning today, but what it really is is a sin, one in which by your actions you lead others to sinfulness as well.) Virtues can be practiced in isolation, but by their nature they play their roles in the contexts of family and community as well.